Such a heavy heart a mother wears. With conception, birth and growth of our baby we are magnified in every possible way. We have been stretched, torn open, split in half, seen the heavens and made peace with our past. We’ve come back into our body and presented with our very own angel. Our awareness stretched far beyond ourselves, beyond our babes, beyond our partners, and even our home. Sometimes, I view myself as a barrier, a shield, to absorb negative energy so they never reach my baby.
I remember when I was pregnant, I didn’t worry much about my child. She felt so safe, so protected by my womb. But the moment I laid eyes on her small, fragile self, my emotions collapsed. All I wanted to do from that moment was keep her safe, protect her and love her with every bone in my body. Those first few months were constant cradling, protecting. I stayed in the comfort and protection of my home. The outside world was too scary and harsh.
The more she grows, the more I am learning how I cannot protect her from everything. Now the outside world is something for which she desperately yearns. New experiences are her greatest joy; Standing, walking, swimming, climbing. All of which has brought so many moments where my child has been hurt and all I can do is comfort her after the fact. Then I am reminded how little worrying does. It is a draining energy. Yet, it is so natural to be in a constant state of worry for our children. It is ultimately up to us to decide how much of a role this plays in our life, how much fear will dictate our actions.
We can be the peaceful warriors who watch their cubs fiercely from the edges of the playground. We can be the frantic mother who won’t let her child make any wrong moves. Do we instill worry in them from a young age? Maybe worry is not a negative thing, maybe it can be another way we are called to be present.
Everyday I work on letting go of my fears, and face the world with trust and faith. In fact, I am positive that this is one of the most important lessons that she will teach me. To trust, to let go.
The energy I carry affects my daughter. She is safe. I chant this to myself. But still, I am always worrying about this magic, beautiful being. Maybe that is natural. Maybe I’ll never stop.
Maybe that is Motherhood.